Life is not fair
by Camelia Arianne
Summary: She has to deal with Jim's kiss but also with Constantine, that's trying to convince himself she means nothing to him and her confusion doesn't make things easier. But when Chas suddenly disappears, they are forced to cooperate even with Jim, because they have to stand up to something so evil, that they might not survive. And meanwhile,their secret feelings are getting to surface.
1. Guilt

_Hi there! This is not only my first fiction for Constantine but my first fic in english too, so I really appreciate your opinions :) My language is not perfect (to be honest, far away from that) so if you find a mistake, let me please know. _

_Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this story! It wasn't easy to decsribe the scene in my head authentically :D But I tried do my best. It should be a multipart story, but I'm not totaly decided yet. It all matters on your rewievs ^^ Thaks for reading!_

_He kissed her. _

She still couldn't find out what had exactly happened. One moment they were sitting, talking about her vision of him dead and next moment he was so close to her she could smell his aftershave and she just froze. Her mind froze to become a messy bundle of emotions right after that.

_He kissed her._

She hated her own subconsciousness for repeated these words that were spreading through her mind every time she stopped being concentrated to don't think about it, don't to remember the feeling his lips on hers, soft, almost like a dream.

It felt little bit strange but nice at the same time. For one moment she felt like a normal woman in love. Like the woman who was studying at university, dating a boy she met at the college, and whose father wasn't freaking bastard. But then she looked up and saw his dark illegible eyes and for one moment she felt irrationally guilty and that memory pissed her off.

_He also sleeps with a lot of women and doesn't really look very uncomfortable with the thought I know about it. Then why I should care about what he feels and thinks?_

She didn't know answer for her question but her conscience didn't seem bothered with it. It really didn't seem to listen to her brain _at all._

She yawned and got out of her bad in mill house to do something before she really gets crazy. To do anything that would help her forget the guilty feelings in her soul.

After she put her hair quickly in a messy ponytail (if you had hair like she have, you would understand that trying to get them under control is almost impossible) Zed looked at herself in a mirror. She did looked tired but it wasn't as bad as she was scared it will be after restless night full of confusing dreams, so she just put a little bit of mascara on her eyelashes and lipstick on her – _he kissed her_ – lips. Then she put on her casual clothes and decided to go down. Maybe she could have warm breakfast for once, finally.

It was quite early morning so if there wouldn't be a lamp on, she wouldn't probably see anything. Zed didn't expect anyone to be in the kitchen but when she made sure there really was nobody, she could swear she heard her relief and realised she was holding her breath all way down.

Her cheeks turned red with awkwardness. She was acting like a stupid teenager, whose parents had caught him with her first boyfriend! But there were some catches. Firstly, she wasn't teenager anymore, secondly, Jim wasn't the first who had kissed her, and finally, John definitely wasn't someone like her goofy father so there was no need to feel awkward about anything.

Yet, she did.

"Zed?" said a low voice quietly behind her. She felt her heart rising and panic started to flood like a tsunami. She couldn't have that conversation now. She couldn't talk to him at all! It was far earlier then he used to get up. She didn't expect to meet him, not so soon after that... incident. She was confused with her own thoughts and feeling and imagination of him talking to her and asking her questions, she couldn't answer by herself, scared her almost to death. She hadn't even thought about what she is going to tell him, let alone to prepare to face him!

A big hand touched her left shoulder and she jumped out of her skin with fright.

"Easy, easy, it's just me," he said and only after that she finally recognized the voice and felt unbearable stupid for her thoughts and the way her body had been acting. Had she begun to be so obsessed with the demonologist that she would start to hear him everywhere now?

_Perfect, Zed, just perfect._

"Hey, I'm talking to you. Do you listen to me?" Chas asked concern in his eyes. She blinked.

"Sorry," she said and smiled slightly, really really trying to convince him that everything was absolutely fine, "you little bit scared me. That's all. What have you talked about?"

Chas turned to a kitchen counter so she couldn't see his face, but she knew him long enough to see the message he had sent to her. She bit her lip. He didn't jump on the bait, she should have expected that.

"More coffee?" he asked and this time she didn't even tried to fool him. He already knew and she didn't think she had enough power to try to convince more people then herself.

"That wouldn't be bad."

Her thoughts were still again and again going into that moment, when she actually thought he was John. Her heartbeat rose only at the thought of him. She wasn't really that type of person who suffers from overconfidence (there were other for playing this part anyway) and she didn't tried to persuade herself that she could handle this.

Damn, how can things go so messy in one stupid moment? She thought and then she had to almost laugh. That wasn't very clever rhetorical question since she had already been lucky enough to make sure of that.

Many times.

"I think I'm going to make some eggs. Would you like to any, too?" his voice disturbed her thinking once more and once more she felt grateful for that. She had already discovered that thinking about past wasn't exactly very good idea if she didn't want to start to regret herself and end up curled in the sofa unusable for the rest of few days.

"Yeah, I suppose so," she answered, sat at the table and watched him. Soon after he started, there was an amazing scent wafting in the air that cause that her saliva started to converge.

"It smells amazing," she sighed and took one bite right after a plate landed in front of her. "You're great cook. I bet John would be dead by hunger already if he hadn't had you."

Chas laugh softly and she was surprised to hear him laughing so blithely. For most of the time they had already spent together his face was still full of worries about John, her, his family and all poor people they had to save. She tried to remember when she smiled so brightly for the last time but failed. It was too far away in her past, full of fear, uncertainty and pure evil, so she wasn't even sure she had laugh like that at least once in her entire life. Maybe when she was so small she didn't see the bad side of her father. It was a very short period of her life, the only one bright. It was before he discovered she had visions, which always fills. Before she wasn't his little girl anymore, before she became just a tool he used. And for one inconstant moment, she envied him even through that she knew he deserve to be happy.

Steps on stairs interrupted them and her body tensed.

"Mornin'" John yawned, stretching. He didn't look at her or him. He just made his way right to a coffeemaker and took some aspirin. His head was probably hurting awfully (not that he would ever admit it). She couldn't imagine how much alcohol he had drunk and how many cigarettes he had smoked, but she was sure about one thing. He also didn't sleep very well this night.

"John, don't drink down aspirin with coffee," said Chas warningly.

"Yea, mum, don't worry" answered blond and rolled his eyes. Then he drew water from the tap and typically sarcastic grin had appeared on his face, "mission complete."

A quiet chuckle escaped her lips and that was the moment when his gaze met hers. It was so short that she wasn't sure what she had exactly see in his eyes, but for one moment she could swear she saw hurt and uncertainty.

Could she possibly mean something to him? Something more than just another person in mill house? And why was she even dealing with it? It still didn't matter what he thought. It wasn't his life. She wasn't part of his life so that he wasn't part of hers. Simple. And because of that if she wanted to date Jim, she will and no one especially he isn't going to stop her.

He had no rights to do that.

It wasn't fair! He didn't seem very interested in what she thought about his dates and "girlfriends". He didn't felt guilty, so either should she!

Anger filled her up and the way he acted like nothing happened, his cool behaviour. Everything just pissed her off.

And he just looked away, took a sip of coffee and acted like he didn't notice anything. "Having good mood, don't ya?"

Except she knew he did.

Chas looked at her and there was something in his eyes that calmed her down. Almost like if he knew what was happening and she thought, for the first time actually, that he maybe knew much more than he let others thought he knew.

"Yep, man," Chas smiled happily. "Renee had called me earlier this morning-"

"Night, mate, night," Constantine skipped into his story. Zed slapped him looking indignantly at him. John just shrugged and moved his lips offended in silent "What?". This time it was Zed who rolled her eyes. Then she turned to Chas once more.

"And what had she told you?"

His grinned became much larger before he answered her. "Do you think Emily is nice name for a girl?"

The time froze. They stood there looking at him with open mouths.

"WHAT?!" He sounded shocked but he wasn't the only one. After few next moments that felt like eternity, Zed finally got through it and hugged the high man so tightly it could actually hurt.

"That's amazing, Chas," she smiled warmly, "and Emily is a perfect name. When is Renee going to give a birth?"

"I don't know yet," Chas answered, smile didn't leave his lips, "but I have booked my flight already. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all, mate," answered John before he turned around and disappeared in his room.

"What THAT suppose to mean?" asked Zed little bit angry but little bit confused to. She looked at him, in his brown honest eyes. He looked like he wanted to say her something she should have already known.

And then she realized what it was. She looked into his eyes once a more and hoped she didn't look so frightened as she thought she did. Her mind was screaming at her, her heart was pounding heavily, but she didn't notice. Noting else mattered than the thought in her agitated mind.

_No, no, not at all. It couldn't possibly be..._

But his face said she was right. Chas is going to fly home, so she John are going to have to handle next case on their own, but until that they will stay in the mill house.

And the worst part?

They will be completely alone.


	2. She can't

It was late Saturday evening and the mill house was uncommonly quiet. Chas flew to Renee few hours later with the first fly he could get and she couldn't blame him for that - having a baby should be the part of people lives that should both parents, father and mother, enjoy. Or she thought that, at least. She had an idea how it felt like to have a child, and though she never had one, she believed that it was some kind of magic miracle.

She sighed and started to think about her future, the mug in her hands warming her pleasantly. Will she ever become a mother? That question sounded inappropriately to her but something in her was desperately pleading her, reaching to her, exhorting to make it real, trying to convince her she would be great mum and they would live as in a fairytale.

But she couldn't. She was so scared her child's life would become similar to hers that she couldn't force herself to don't feel bad. If this would happen, she will never forgive herself, ever.

She shook her head and returned to drawing, but when she realized what she had drawn, she ripped that paper off and tore it into small pieces trying to suppress tears that were stinging in her eyes – because Zed Martin never cried because of her past.

With growing despair she listened to the steps, which sounded somewhere behind her. She knew very good who it is and this time she forced herself to stay calm. She didn't want him to know she suffers from his cold behaviour, his dark eyes are hunting her all night and she definitely didn't want him to notice what mood she had got herself into.

There was silence for few moments, but then his steps started to come closer to her and she prayed, prayed really hard, to success in convincing him that everything is just fine. She knew she was good liar, but she wasn't as confident with herself when there was pair of dark eyes looking at her fixedly.

Maybe he just forgot any books or he just went to make a coffee? And although she knew she was catching herself into an illusion, she still hoped to the very last moment, but well, the failing didn't really surprise her.

She caught with a corner of her eye that he sat on a chair opposite her and poured an old whisky.

_Stupid guzzler_, she thought but realised she couldn't really hate him or at least despise him. It didn't really matter what had he done or hadn't done, part of her still liked him at that scared her.

He took a sip and she had to suppress an urge to look at him. She isn't going to do that, not at all. She didn't need to know how he looked – if he had his white _sexy_ shirt as always – or try to read in that handsome face all hidden emotions. She won't reduce herself on such girl's level. She won't. She_ can't_.

But then, it was actually too tempting for her to resist, so she simply satisfied herself with an idea she didn't let him know she is looking at him.

With an devilish plan in her mind, she tried to look as indifferently as possible and turned herself a little bit to the left where, as she knew, stood an big old cabinet, and tried to find his reflection in one of the glass areas. When she succeeded, she almost exclaimed triumphantly, but then remembered he couldn't know about her and stayed calm.

Finally were the mirrors, gold and glass stuff everywhere useful for something different then taking lives or communicating with the other side.

She inconspicuously looked into a glass. He was really wearing his white shirt and red tie. Black trousers looked pretty new. Maybe Chas or Constantine himself had done some shopping lately? He seemed freshly shaved and his hair was tempting to touch. He looked really good – maybe batter that she had ever remembered. However, there was something on him that catch her eyes. Something dark was swirling around him as an aura of desperation, guilt and pain, which power almost knocked her down and that feeling was bad enough for her to forget about everything awkward that had happened between them.

She straightened herself up and looked at him straight. She wanted to make sure that all she saw was real, not only some illusion of her confused mind. He didn't look at her at all, like if she wouldn't really be there. His gaze was lost, empty. She would never admit it, but he was frightening her.

She reached to touch him, to hug him and comfort him, but before her hand grab his, she stopped herself and chased that thought away immediately.

It wasn't very good idea given that she could be the one that caused this condition, so she decided to talk to him first. She was tired of pretending anyway.

"Hey," she said softly, not very sure what to tell him next. It all was so weird suddenly. She really missed his teasing comments, his self-confident ego, his stupid jokes – she really missed their old lives.

"What?" he grunted and still didn't look at her. It killed her hope, her friendly feeling for him, but she didn't give up. She _can't_.

"Look at me," she ordered. No response. "Look at me, John!"

He grudgingly do what she wanted him to. His face lacked any emotions even those like sadness or hatred. He just sat there looking at her and her breath hitched.

Was this her fault?

The guilt was back.

"Do you want me something, love?" he asked with his usual kind of sarcasm. But this time, she knew he is just playing his own role, that he is just playing himself and it hurt her – that he really didn't seemed to know she know what he is doing or that he knew exactly what he is doing with this to her? Well, maybe both possibilities.

Either way, his inaccessible look made her feel sick. She want to tell him something, something to returned it all back, but all words as if they vanished from her mind. She had no idea what she should tell him, so they just stared at each other stock-still for few moments that felt like eternity.

Then a phone rang and it sounded almost too laud for their silent (deadly silent) mill house.

Slowly he picked it up and however his face didn't look different than just few seconds ago, his eyes did. There was a duty and resolve in them and she knew much sooner before he told her, what was he is going to tell her about.

"We have a case," he said simply.

She didn't waste time and got right to the point. There wasn't time for their childish behaviour anymore, not when somebody's life is in danger. "What happened?"

"'Tell you later, love. Grab your stuff," he answered, already on his way to his room. She did the same so that they met only several minutes later in his car. She would prefer to go by her own car, but that didn't have much fuel and because she wasn't sure how bad the case is and how far they have to get, she was forced to get inside of his.

The unpleasant silent started to fill the car as soon as they had took care about all steals around the mill house (well, mostly Constantine had, to be honest) like a fog. She didn't want to fall into that stupid awkward situation again, so she asked: "Could you tell me what's going on?"

He inhaled deeply, before he answer her and she could not help but notice with how a big part of strength he was gripping the steering wheel. "Chas didn't have enough time to tell me."

She bit her bottom lip. His hand touched hers. It was so slight, he didn't seem to notice, but it sufficed to that for split of second she could feel his anger, fear, worries and concern and then she realized that this was going to be bad.

"So, what he had enough time for?" she said, unsure if she really wanted to know.

He turned his head and glanced at her with deadly serious dark eyes. A shiver ran down her spine, before he answered her slowly: "For screaming."


	3. Unexpected

_Thank you so much for your support! I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. It's pretty long, so I'm sorry if there are some mistakes. I'm not perfect but i tried to do my best :) So, please, let me know what do you think! Any tips about what had happend? I'm really curious! ^^_

_Once again, enjoy and happy Easter!_

Zed was sitting in the car for almost two and a half hours already, when John finally stopped in the gas station and she got out, so she could enjoy every moment of freedom she could get. It was getting dark and an awful cold wind started to flown. She rubbed her shoulders in effort to warm herself, but it wasn't helping and cloud of depression was falling down on her.

What if she ruined something and Chas would be dead because of it? What if she isn't strong and helpful enough to save him? What if...

"It's cold, love, get in, so that we could continue," Constantine said as he opened the door for her. Usually, she would say something provocative as "Well, now you are even opening the doors for me?" or just something to simply tease him, but the words just couldn't form in her mouth and she panicked. Her heart started to pound heavily. Her hands were shaking and suddenly, her knees felt so weak, that all she wanted was to curl on the ground and wait until the bad feeling fade away. And when she'll open her eyes again, everything is going to be alright. She'll wake up in her comfortable bad in mill house, listening to Chas and John having a very lively conversation about something as irrelevant as what kind of eggs is the best or which character in Spiderman is the coolest one.

She had to smile at that idea and her mind started to become foggy and peaceful. There was nothing she should worry about. They were just fine. There were no demons, no evil spirits, no bad or good guys, only non-supernatural immortal people. And her mother with her amazing dark eyes was looking at her as they left her so-called father before all that bad stuff had happened. And she and John are...

Wait, that's not true. They are not ok.

She shook her head and tried to focus on standing on her legs but there was something bad that tried to beat her down. Something evil, which presence made her sick, tried to get in her mind and it was attacking her, showing her all her dreams that could never happened to tempting her to lose control. It was politely knocking on the gate of her soul, but she wasn't naïve. It wouldn't take the evil spirit long to realise that like this he's going to accomplish nothing and then it would all become messy and scaring.

She knew she can't let him in, because if she did so, she won't be able to tell him anything. She just knew, her soul will be evicted and her body will become a property of the demon.

Her head hurt.

Something bad was going to happen. She had to warn him! But the only thing her lips manage to say was very soft, barely even a whisper "John...".

The last thing she felt were two strong men hands that caught her closely before she fainted and dark chocolate eyes full with concern and a voice calling her to stay with him.

She really wanted to, but she didn't think she could last much longer.

He didn't think it either. At least, he looked like that when he was lying her down on the ground and doing some weird movements with his hands, talking in language she had never heard before. But her mind was too tired and too confused, too foggy for her to concentrate about something different than that violent creature, trying to beat in her mind, hitting her imaginative gate of sanity powerfully and more insistently with every second she tried to defy.

"Zed, Zed," she heard, "stay with me. You can't let it in. You can't. Fight it, Zed. C'mon!"

She heard him crystal clear and really tried to do as he said, but she felt her gate is permitting. Tears were filling up her eyes. She couldn't believe that she's going to die like this – when a demon - or whatever it is - is trying to take her body on the ground at some cheap gas station.

It's almost like a very cruel irony of fate that she's going to end her life in this station, which was one of these she had stolen food from, when she was at the run. Now she recognized she old chipped inscription, the name of the company and once again she felt like ten years before – so weak, so tired of running and hiding that she just wanted to end this and let the world go away.

She heard him murmuring something about staying alive, fighting, while he was doing other weird movements and talking in another language, but she didn't have power for that anymore.

She felt his hand on her forehead and suddenly she felt the pressure fading slowly. Her mind started to panic. Why would it go away? She couldn't think about anything but the fact she lose. Once again she wasn't good enough to last.

Her mouth twisted in sleaze she felt to herself and felt sorry for so many things she planned to do in her life! But now, when everything was gone, she knew something - she was prepared to die by his hands.

Because John Constantine never let a demon to win and stand on the ground without consequences, right?

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

John was sitting on the ground, backing against his car and his eyes were studying Zed peacefully sleeping on the ground next to him. He was like that for more than fifteen minutes already, but still somehow couldn't manage to understand what had just happened as he was looking at her fixedly, lost in his thoughts that shook every part of his being.

Had he really just pleaded Zed to stay with him? To fight?

He couldn't believe that for that moment, when he thought he couldn't save her, a fear started to swirl in him and he almost panicked as if he was a young boy that never saw anybody under demon's attack.

What the bloody hell that supposed to mean?

He shook his head and tried to stop thinking about it. _Cheer up, man! There are most important things then Zed right now!_

But it didn't help him much more than empty words used to help and his mind was wandering into places, which he swore he would never again bring to the light.

Although, he hated to admit it, he really cares about her and that thought about losing her because of a demon like Astra, was killing him, eating him alive. He never let that to happen. She can go away from him, if she want to, but he make sure that she'll be save. She didn't deserve to die like this, trapped in hell forever as his soul's going to be.

Maybe he should stop blaming that naïve Jimmy boy for falling for her. Why he even care, anyway? That's not in his business. The fact she wants to stay with him in mill house and help him fight against the Rising darkness and the fact he had never had a real relationship in his life, doesn't give him rights to control her life and expects her to go on the same lonely journey as he have. She was better then he – she deserved to be loved and save. She deserved somebody as Jim Corrigan.

He knew he had no right to being jealous, when the police man kissed her, but he couldn't help himself. He envied him he could do that; he envied him, that he could do spontaneous things without being scared of consequences.

As his eyes once again wandered over her face, he felt an incredible strong urge to lie down and kiss her, but he chased that idea soon and just rolled his eyes in disbelieve.

Had he just wanted to kiss that annoying Zed, which had never missed any opportunity to tease him?

He definitely doesn't like her more than useful friend. Yeah, that's right. Just a new friend. She's going to go away just like the others sooner or later anyway.

Unsurely, John tried to get up. His legs weren't very happy to obligate. The magic he sent on her, which also probably saved her, had taken more of his powers than he expected and every muscle in his body seems to hurt. But there was no time for resting. If he wanted to save Chas, he had to be quick or he could find him already dead.

He picked up Zed and tried to get her in the car as safety as possible. When he finally lay her down, he had to admit, that she definitely wasn't a feather, but as a man he also had to admit she's pretty sexy the way she is and there is no places on her body where was something that should not be there. She had nice breast, narrow waist, sexy butt and amazing legs.

Well, if she wouldn't be his new friend, he would definitely tried by a babe. She was sure as hell passionate lover.

_Stop even thinking about that!_ He shouted and mentally slapped himself. She and Corrigan are a nice couple and he wish them only luck. He had no chance in dating her. He can't anyway. Everything will just become even more confusing and if he or she will stop to feel the way lovers should, it would everything just making more and more awkward between them.

_As if it wasn't awkward enough yet_, he thought bitterly, as he looked at the mirror and checked if she was still sleeping.

She was. Well, that'll make everything easier for him.

He parked the car and get Zed out. She mumbled something unrecognizable as he carried her inside the big white building in bride-like style. He had already prepared what he's going to say when he get in so he knew exactly what he had to do.

"Please! Anyone! Help me! I can't wake her up!" he started to shout, just enough to attract an attention.

A nice cute nurse, quite young, rushed towards him. "Hello, please, follow me. Doctor McBride is already on his way. What happened?"

"We decided to go on a trip together and we stopped on a gas station. She gets out and while I was shopping, something had had to happened, because when I came back, I found her like this on the ground. I was really horrified, y' know?" He said and put on his most sad face he could find.

It probably worked, because right after that, the nurse started to comfort him and promised him, she's taking care of her.

He pretended to swallow a sob. "That's so nice from you. Thank you so much." And then he started to cry once again, which seemed to pretty surprise the nurse, so she didn't know what to do. After a few moments she decided to simply hug him and John couldn't missed a flash of red bra under her clothes.

_Wow, nice, young lady, really nice, _he thought and started to regret he couldn't refrain. That nurse would be a nice distraction.

_Stop this! You have to get out sooner that she started to asked questions!_

He pretended to stop crying and with trembling voice of men, which is afraid about his lady, he said: "Sorry..."

"Madie," she introduced herself.

"Ah," he smiled slightly the way he knows that makes him irresistible in eyes of women, "sorry, Madie, but I have to make a call to her parents. They should know about this. It may take some time..."

"Yeah, yeah, that's okay, don't worry," she smiled warm at him. "By the time you'll be back, you maybe could go, if everything is going to go as planned, with your beauty home."

_My beauty? Heh, if she only knew._ "Thank you, Madie, it really means a lot to me."

"You're welcome," she answered and let him alone so he could handle the call in privacy. John smirked to himself and took a cell phone from his pocket. Then he dialled a number he wished even only few moments ago he never had taken. To be honest, he didn't really think he could possible use it, yet right now, he was really happy that Zed forced him to save it in the phone's memory.

He pressed the button. The phone managed to ring only twice, before the man on the other side picked it up.

"I think I need your help," John said simply and after he gave him an address of that hospital Zed stays in, he end the call and walked toward place he had visited only once in his life, but the experience was so strong he could find the way even if he was blind.

Only one thing worried him. Everything went too slight so far.


	4. Vow and anger

**_Thanks for your support! Hope you like this!_**

It was just after midnight, when she came to herself and looked around to find out where she was. The room was drowning in darkness. There were two beds and a few simple chairs. Unrecognizable drawings and painting hanging on the walls looked pretty sad in the empty room. She knew that place and hated it with her whole heart - it looked like she was at a hospital.

Why and how had she got there?

But her mind was too foggy for her to recall that specific moment and to lazy, so she had no doubts that some nice amount of sedatives had flown in her blood right now.

She tried to concentrate again and with every part of her accessible will, she picked the memory from her peaceful mind and opened her with every power she could found.

It was getting dark. They were sitting in silent in his car and she was looking out of her window, full with fear about Chas, while they were heading to Chas' and Renée's house. Then, John stopped at a gas station. She got out the car to take a deep breath. The wind was cold and she started to tremble. She felt weak and sick and want to scream to make anybody to help her, but she couldn't open her lips and than...

She rapidly straightened as the memory of the demon's attack appeared before her eyes full and live, as if it was happening now, and ran quickly though her soul whether she found some foreign presence. Thoughts were filling her with tangle of emotions and opinions about how is possible that he hadn't had killed her?

But everything seems to be same as last day, when she sat in the mill house, drawing, and thinking about her future and her past, uncertain about the only other inhabitant of the building in that moment – John Constantine, of course.

A big relief washed over her as she realised John had had to save her. That stubborn John Constantine, who was so cold and detached during those days, had actually cared about her. He had to felt something to her, right? Why else would he risk his hope of redemption because of some dark side effect of magic only for saving her, if she was nothing for him?

_Because of Newcastle and Astra, maybe?_ An annoying voice in her mind remarked, but she wasn't willing to listen to it_. That's not true. He could walked away and let her die, if he want. It would be already too late for her for somebody to come to that gas station, stuck in the middle of nowhere._ At least, she wanted to believe it, she wanted to still be a hope for her innermost and the most secret wish she had from the first moment she met him in that dirty town of miners.

Maybe she wasn't totally indifferent to him.

She remembered his words, his pleadings to support her and convince her to fight and now she was sure her mind wasn't playing with her. He really said that. He was really scared that the demon would win and she would be lost to him forever. She saw his eyes, the amazing dark, yet shining in their own way, eyes, full of fear and resolve she knew he had in him every time he fights against demons and evil intentions to save someone's life.

Because despite that he didn't let himself to admit it, deep down he was very good man to whom had bad thing happened.

In his eyes, that all was his mistakes, and he suffered because he thought he have to for making things right. That it was the prize he had to paid, that he had to be always strong and always right, that he had no right to make mistakes, that he didn't deserve to be loved.

But Zed knew better. She knew that if everybody had so much of good in their souls as he did, the world would become brighter in one second.

Sure, John Constantine definitely wasn't an angel fallen down on the Earth, and sometimes he was a complete jerk, too, but he wasn't a monster either and no matter about what he thought, she won't let him go away until she won't show him how grateful she is that could meet him, because he finally showed her a right direction for her gift (or course, that depends on point of view) and for that she promised herself, she won't rest in peace until he understand that everybody can be loved, because that's not something we have to deserve, it's our birthright.

_And in addition, he still cares about her!_ She smiled to herself, happiness swirling inside her soul. She can't wait until he would face her and she would throw him everything into his face. She was prepared to tell him everything that kept her mind busy in last few days. She had to find him and tell him the true, including that fact that Jim Corrigan was very nice to her and sweet, honest man, but she was far away from being sure he was the one.

And deep in her thought she didn't notice silhouette in the corner until it didn't speak: "I'm glad you're better now."

She turned her head to see the one, whose words had distracted her. It wasn't John's and neither was it Chas' voice, but still it sounded familiar to her. Because of the dark in the room she couldn't identify him. The silhouette reached its hand to turn on the little light by her bed. The sun started to announce the new day and the east started to burn in red and pink shades.

"Jim, what are you doing here?" She asked and told she was surprised wasn't exactly the right term. "And where is John? I need to talk to him about..." _About so many things, because I'll regret if I died before I told him._

"He's not here," he answered her simply.

"I see," she tried her best to don't let him see how it chaught her off guard, but wasn't totally successful. The thoughts in her mind about him much stronger then Jim's presence.

_Then, where is he?_

She shook her head and looked at him if he noticed – it seems he did because she could saw and aura of jealousy surrounding him. For moment she thought he may be offended that the first thing she cared about when she woke up is John Constantine and not a men which was probably very close to be called her "boyfriend", yet, she never told him he could be that for her and one kiss didn't have to mean anything.

_But you haven't told him no, either, when he kissed you in that bar!_

_Shut up! _She shouted at herself and sighed. She really started to hate her conscience recently.

She inhaled deeply and swallowed. She had to come up with something which would delay the conversation which his eyes reflected. He took a breath and that meant that she run out of the time.

"So... why are you here?" she asked to not gave him the opportunity to speak.

Jim Corrigan looked at her as if it was obvious, but when she still didn't seem to get it, he rose from his chair and sit on the edge of her bed. His hand found hers and she let him. It was nice to feel human touch after that horrible night, although she knew she was kind of using him, she didn't know how to say it to him without hurting him more than was necessary. And after all, she felt relaxed and he was ok too, so there was no need to have that conversation now. It could wait, right?

He pulled her to him and let her curled on his chest. She inhaled his manly scent and couldn't help herself but noticed, John's shirts has better. Then she had to slap herself for that kind of thoughts - it was really sinful to react that way!

"I was worried about you," he told her and started to stroke her hair. She felt the tension in her body slipping away, as she concentrated on his touch. It was so nice and kind, she couldn't simply say no.

"When Constantine had phoned me you're at the hospital, I barely could breathe with worries," he confessed. It may be bad and indelicate from her, but nothing of his confession hadn't caught her attention more than one simple fact he had mentioned.

She pulled away.

"It was_ Constantine_ who phoned you?" She asked, shock written all over her face. John hadn't made secret about the way he felt about this guy.

"I don't like him. It's nothing personal in that," he paused, "well, y' know, I used to think he's a coward, but now I had to admit he's quite cool," she heard him said once to Chas when he thought she's in her room. It was shortly after their returned to mill house from that case with papa Midnight invoking spirits of dead. "And he's useful outside so until he won't make something stupid, I can keep our relation professional."

"And he also seems to have a crush on our little Zed," Chas commented significantly.

She heard Constantine's typical cynical laugh and she knew he said something to react, but she never discover what it was and asking Chas didn't seem as very good option to her.

Now she was much more curious. Why would he called from all people he knew Jim?

"Yes, it was. Zed, is everything alright?" He asked and caught her hands in his. She looked up to looked at him.

"Yeah, absolutely," she smiled and kissed him softly. He was surprised for a moment, but didn't hesitate for long and soon he started to kiss her more passionate and more urgently.

After a few moments, she slipped away from his embrace, just at time to didn't been caught in the act of young nice nurse.

"You seem absolutely fine, Ms. I think we can let you and your..."

"Cousin," she added and looked at Jim to make him silent. "Me and my cousin."

Suddenly, the nurse's face lit up in knowledge as she looked at the room number and Zed's face. "Yes, the graceful blond had mention your family member will come to pick you up," she smiled at her and she couldn't forgive herself a quick thought: _My blond? Hardly. _

_"_You don't know how lucky you are to have such as attentive boyfriend. He really looked very worried about you." _Oh really? That's kinda interesting._

She felt Jim tensed by her side and knew she had to cut this earlier than he will do something stupid.

"And accidentally you don't know where he headed then, don't you?"

"Actually," the nurse said, "he let me a quick note for you... an address. Wait a minute please," she said and started to search in her pockets, "here it is. And also his phone number-"

"No, the address is enough, thanks," she cut the nurse shortly, "have a nice day!"

And with those words she turned to exit and grab Jim's sleeve with quick "Let's go, _cousin_" as she wished nobody, especially not Jim, notice that her cheeks are getting red in the awareness of John's secret intentions with that nurse and they become much more redder in the imagination what kind of distraction he would probably prepare for her if he wasn't in hurry.

Zed cursed. How is possible that she have never noticed how much she looks like a cutest version of Anne-Marie? She should have predicted that the moment she saw her! Her mind was angry at him as much that it was almost impossible to think straight.

_That egoistic jerk! He just couldn't help himself with any kind of woman in his proximity, could he?_

_Only with you it looked he isn't interested at all_, her inner-voice reacted and now she was sure.

She really hated it.

Zed sighed as she tried to calm herself down and speeded up to get out from that terrible building as soon as possible. Anger was swirling inside of her as a wild fire; spreading and waiting.

But mostly she wasn't angry at him, not at all – John was John after all and that number trick perfectly fit to his cabinets. Nope, much more she was angry with herself, because for some reason, hidden from her sanity, of course, the thought of John sleeping with that sugar-sweet nurse made her feel angry so much that she just want to punch something _or some blond exorcist_, in his handsome face.

But, firstly, she had to find him.


	5. Inner clarification

**_I'm far trom feeling confident about this part, but I couldn't bear nobody from my fav authors haven't posted new chap yet anymore, so I decided to continue in my own story and hope that you guys will follow :) Hope you'll enjoy this. It's mostly about what they think about each other and what they feel, so it may be a little bit boring for you, but I just couldn't help myself. However, I can promise you the action si coming soon! Anyway, I hope you'll like this and let me know your opinions, please. It really means a lot for me. _**

**_Oh, and one more thing. I would like to devote this story to my very good pen friend and an amazing author _****_GabrielaF6_****_ for her great support, fate in me and kindness. ^^ Thank you very much :)_**

They arrived that address he had gave the young sister at that damn building, where he had left her alone for Jim Corrigan. She still couldn't understand why, for God's sake, he had done that. Was that an attempt for forgiveness? Or what the hell – bloody hell, as he loved to say – had it suppose to mean?

But it had to wait. She had other things to keep her busy. Her mind was so confused, so overwhelmed by emotions, she just stopped thinking clearly, when she saw him, how he sat on the stairs to old house with ciggy in his mouth, smoking and watching the smoke rising to the now slightly blue bright sky. He looked so peaceful, so perfectly calm, although everything was anything but calm, that she had an unbelievable urge to hit him.

She was under demons attack because of him and he let her in bed at that dam hospital, without a word, and let a nurse, he tried to seduce, to give them an address. So they hurried there just to find him peacefully smoking?

_Sorry, man, but that's not something I would tolerate. _

Although, John Constantine wasn't somebody who would be afraid of angry woman – God knew, he had had to manage a lot of angry woman so far – something about the way how was Zed coming to him from Jim's car cause that his heartbeat started to rise. He wasn't sure if it was so, because of a slight fear or because of other feelings she woken in him... _No, the first, definitely, _he thought just a moment before he felt a burning pain on his face and his mind took its time to understand the fact, that the girl he saved and even phoned her boyfriend had just hit him.

"What was that for?" he asked her aggrievedly and massage his cheek to get rid of the pain faster. It wasn't helping a lot, but better than nothing.

Zed opened her mouth to answer him, but then she changed her mind. He couldn't do anything but to to notice the slight gaze to her side and she looked a little bit panic... Like if she was scared Jim would see her cheeks getting red, and she bet they were.

"Um, sorry, I've let myself carry away," she murmured, her cheeks still redder and redder. Why he had a feeling she wanted to tell something totally different first?

But all his thought had just disappear when she looked at him under her eyelashes, her eyes gleaming and so honest, so deep and nice that he couldn't help himself. He wanted to fulfil the enormous primitive urge that usurp him to simply hug her and held her in his arms all night, while he will be telling her things nobody know about him yet and kissing her forehead, eyes, cheeks, jaw, her neck, her lips, her...

He froze. He shouldn't feel that way about her. Hell, he never saw her in this light before, so why now?

Probably, his brain is overworked. Yeah, that was it. His brain was overworked and he saw things he just couldn't see, because they were impossible. Just like the sparkle in her eyes, her glance wandering to his lips... that all was just an illusion made by his hyperactive mind.

_Get a grip, Constantine,_ he told to himself. _She is not for you. She never was and never will._

"So, what have you find?" Jim asked, destroying the moment and pulling them from their thinking. Although the thoughts were really nice, he was glad somebody had done that, because he felt his determination to subside, feeling hunger for her building in his body, which was simply inadmissible.

He blinked.

_Concentrate_, he told to himself. It wasn't helping. The way she looked at him was making things to him no one ever have before. Suddenly, he notice the way her jeans surrounded her hips, the way her t-shirt rolled up when she stretched, revealing her skin. His eyes travelled up her body. The hem rolled little bit to side and he could see her lingerie only a little bit, but enough to catch his attention fully.

_Concentrate, dammit. _

"Bloody nothing," he answered finally, glad he had something which gave him an opportunity to stop thinking about her. "Whatever has got them, it was really careful not to let us any leads."

"Which is good," Zed continued, looking at John with her concern, honest, but steel-hard, determined gaze.

_Those eyes..._

"How is possible that not having any leads is good?" Jim asked, obviously confused and Zed couldn't suppress her smile, when she remembered her own reaction when Constantine told her that. She reacted exactly the same way and it was kind of weird.

She shot him a quick glance and stumble in disbelieve. Have he just really been looking at her with lust? No, she had to mistaken. Her hand pulled through her hair and she bit her lips slightly. She realized he was nervous. Part of her desperately wanted it to be true, but the other was scared. What would she do, if she looked at him and so it again?

She didn't know, but she decided to try it. The need to know was just too strong for her, so she looked up at him again. He looked as calm as always, which meant she was laying to herself because of him. _Because of somebody you should never felt that way about. _

But Zed had enough of pretending and lying to herself. Now, after all she went through with and without him, she was sure in one thing, which also scared her - she liked him, much more then she should, and care for him, even though he didn't feel the same. She just couldn't help it, because always, even when she tried so hard to deny it and ignore it, there was something between them.

She really liked Corrigen, on the other hand, too. Jim was very good man, even gentleman, as someone could remark, but there wasn't the sparkle, the tension. She realised that she didn't feel her body heated when he was closed. Damn, she oft didn't even notice, that Jim was touching her.

However, with Constantine it was different.

It wasn't happening a lot. Well, she could say barely, because the mill house was big and there was enough room for three people, so they can hardly touch by an accident. But sometimes they did and when it happened, she always, always knew about it. Her heart started to beat faster and her body tensed. Only slightly, but sometime in that moment, when she took a lot of deep breaths in silent waiting, longing for something she didn't know what it was.

Now, she understood.

She wanted him to touch her. Badly. But she hadn't wanted to know about it. She wasn't willing to let her mind know about the effect he had on her. Now she couldn't do that anymore. It was so obvious for her that she would find herself stupid and hypocritical if she didn't allow herself to see.

"So, what do you think about it?" Jim turned to face her suddenly as she returned to the real world.

"What?" she asked, absolutely out of their discussion.

Jim narrowed his eyes on her, annoyed much more than she ever saw him, or maybe much more, then he ever allowed her to see, but that was more John's scene. "You haven't listened to a word about our plan, have you?"

Zed bowed her head in slight guiltiness and looked up at him. "No, um, sorry." Then her gaze found Constantine. He was looking at her too with his usual smirk on his lips, those lips, which made her longing for his touches.

He winked at her and grinned.

_Oh no, _she prayed quietly and turned red in a realization, how did the way he act made her feel. _Don't tell me he knows. _

But, dammit, it really looked like he was pretty sure what her thoughts have been about.

"So, what are we going to do now?" Jim said once again. She felt unbelievably stupid for doing nothing but starring into nowhere (or at John, which was far beyond awkward or even not stupid, at least), blushing and not having any good ideas.

John, on the other hand, had to wonder about what Zed could so pleadingly think about that she was paying absolutely no attention to him and even to Corrigan. Part of him wished her to have been thinking about him, but he didn't want to admit that.

Oh, bloody hell, she was so adorably cute when she was blushing, that he wanted nothing more than to fuck her brain out at her moment.

But of course, she was probably thinking about Jimmy boy. And he hated to admit that he envied him for a very short moment, because John Constantine isn't envious. Not when it's about girls.

He could have everyone he would like. Hell, they could bend over to make him to choose them. Not vice versa. That just not how John Constantine live.

But there was something about Zed, which made her special. He didn't want to see how much she meant to him. He promised himself, he wouldn't rely on fact she decided to stay with him. However, he had to concede her presence began to become an integral part of his life and his feeling towards her started to change. He always knew she was around, but stopped feeling alert and started to let her get almost too close to him for his tastes. But, it was surprisingly comfortable, and he caught himself even enjoying the fact she was there, close to him, making him calm and feeling save. He started counting on her. And that scared him, because if she left, he would get hurt. Again.

Jim looked at them and couldn't miss that something was different. "What's with you today?"

Both of them had looked up, but in that moment, when their looks met, Zed turned her head away and he swore he saw a slight blush on her cheeks.

"Not an easy day, mate," Constantine answered, his gaze shooting every short moment at Zed. Jim didn't like it, even thought he knew Zed would never lied to him about their relationship and her feelings, it wasn't for the first time when it actually got on his mind that maybe, if she hadn't had the vision about him dying, she would end things with him shortly after he kissed her in that bar.

"It's just a morning," he shot back. John looked up at the sky and shook his head in agreement.

"Yea, so good morning!" he smirked bitterly, lit up his ciggy and carried it into his mouth, then he added almost too silently for anybody to her it with muffled sigh: "Not very good morning, actually."


	6. Mistake?

**_Well, hi guys. I should be studying mathematic, but I prefer writing this because I have a continution on my mind for a long time by now but had no time to write it. Thank you for your support and all reviews and follows you're giving me. It means so much to me, you probably can't imagine. _**

**_So wish me good luck with my test tomorrow, because I don't know anything :D Hope you like this and sorry for mistakes. I had no time to check it properly, but I will as soon as I have little bit less of test in school. _**

**_Thank you once again a enjoy reading!_**

The journey through the city seems to be eternal. There was traffic jams on every corner and the time passed slowly. But maybe it wasn't the only reason, why it looked like that everybody had nothing to say to each other.

They sat in silence. Jim pretended to be fully concentrated on the road in front of him, Zed looked awkwardly from window to Jim and Constantine and then back to Jim. Even Constantine himself didn't look as self-confident and arrogant as usually. He really wanted to blame the fact Chas was in danger, probably because of him, but deep down, he knew, that the silence wasn't caused only be that, although very serious problem.

_Yeah, search women behind everything, _he remembered suddenly one of the oldest saying that he often heard in local pubs and everywhere men told their problems to each other. Now, he can't disagree. His feelings towards Zed (whatever they were) seemed to make the situation even more uncomfortable that it could be. And he didn't like that, because thoughts like this made him distracted and that wasn't good – not at all.

They parked in front of some kind of motel and took three single rooms.

"Aren't we going to look for the demon?" asked surprised Zed, when he unlocked his door and he looked forward to a bed and some drink that may help him to clear his mind.

"No, love," he answered with his usual salutation. However, it didn't seem to be so innocent this time. But he suppressed this thought and acted like if it felt absolutely normal. "We don't know anything but that it is quite high-rank. We don't know why, we don't know anything more about it and we all are tired. It was a rough night. And in addition, there is nothing we can do right now. Trust me."

Zed thought about his words shortly, than she simply nodded and said good night, just a moment before he slammed the door beside him and leaned on the wood. He tried to make himself calmer by lightning another cigarette, but his hand shook so strongly, he couldn't light it up, so he decided to take a long warm shower. It had always helped him relaxed so far, but today, it didn't seem to work anymore.

His body was tired. He now he should be sleeping, he knew (although it wasn't even after noon) but the only thing he could fucking think about was the way she bite her bottom lip, when she considered his speech and the way her hips were swaying when she turned on her heel just before she disappeared behind door of her own room and...

_Damn, he really needed a drink._

He stopped the shower, dried himself and put on his usual clothes. He knew drink isn't going to bring Chas back, but it may help against the distraction Zed caused him so that he could finally fully concentrate on finding his closest mate.

Maybe he could also chat with some girls. He hadn't had sex quite a long time. Much longer then he used to, if we considered he was John Constantine. And he still has the young nurse number...

Heh, that sounds like plan, man, he told himself before he sat on the bar char in the motel bar. He could go out of course, but he didn't feel in mood for long walks. He ordered himself a beer and as he watched the hands on the clock moved and drink one beer, than another and soon he stopped counting.

He just felt miserable. His best friend was somewhere, captive by a demon and the only thing he seemed to be able to think was the woman with amazing eyes and body that made him crazy.

"Boo!" he heard behind his back and jumped in a shock.

"Bloody hell, woman, what are you doing here!" he asked well, better tell shouted.

She sat beside him without asking and waved on the waitress.

"Getting a drink, don't you see?" she asked. He knew he should reacted somehow arrogant, but he didn't know how and he really couldn't think about a single reason why he should do that, so he just made a "Hmm" sound and took a sip.

Zed, on the other hand noticed there was something bothering him, so she asked nicely and calm. She didn't want to push him, but she also couldn't stay quiet. She also hadn't had the right mood for joking anyway.

He was silent. Well, not that she really expected him to tell her. It just would be nice to know he trusted her.

Anyway, with a soundless sigh she grabbed her beer and just wanted to go back to her room, confirming to herself, that coming after him, especially when she realised what effect he had on her, was a really stupid idea, when he finally spoke.

"I don't know what I should do."

Well, that was interesting start.

She sat slowly back and turned to face him. He, however, seemed interested in the bottle in his hand too much. His face was serious. Really serious. And she noticed raw emotions not only in his eyes, but also in his face. It was written there to clearly, she could easily read it and that caught her off guard, because she didn't expect him to open to her so much. He looked fragile, uncertain. So much not like John Constantine himself, that she could barely believe he was the same man she knew.

"I don't know what demon and why trap Chas. Trap, if he wasn't going to do something other," he told, but it didn't even sound a bit as a bad joke. "Honestly, I'm not sure what is easier for me to bear – the fact if he died because of some demon and I couldn't do a fucking thing to save him, or the possibility he has been trapped to be used like bait for me. Because I can't lose him, you know?" He added silently. She didn't response. He looked like if he was talking more to himself than to her and she was afraid that he would stop if she did some sound, so she just sat there, listened to him and felt the emotions fuelling her heart like a flood.

"I lost every person in my life I cared about," he declared. "Lot of them end badly because of me. Lot of them had night mares every night waiting for them because of me. Lot of them hates me and I can't... I just can't lose him too." He said and turned to her so she could look at his dark chocolate eyes.

He looked so lost, so scared... But she knew that this was something amazing, because he trusted her enough to show her his real-self.

And she was overload with emotions she couldn't handle anymore.

She honestly didn't know what made her to do that, but she did it. Maybe she just wanted to make him calmer? Maybe she just wanted to show him not everybody hates him. She didn't really know and she didn't care anyway. It felt do natural, so right. His lips were soft and warm; his beard has rubbed against her soft skin. She just scent of his leather, when she froze in realising what had she just done.

She tore off quickly. She should be running always as far as she can right now. Constantine looked absolutely shocked and she didn't wonder. She was as surprised by her action as he was. A moment of staring passed by as looked at each other trying to read a hint, some kind of emotion to decide how to act after the kiss no one seemed to be prepared for. She wanted him to say something – anything, but he was just looking at her surprisingly and it was for the first time since she had known him that it looked like he had no words to say.

She can't bear that anymore.

She stand up quickly and do what she should done much sooner. She ran. Ran as fast as she can, her heart pounded heavily in her chest, but she wasn't sure it was because of the kiss or the stairs she literally skyrocketed.

The dark corner at the hall provided her the greatest and nearest hiding place to stopped, calmed her rapidly beating heart and clarified what had she just done.

She kissed John Constantine.

It sounds crazy to her and she can't suppress a little quilt that appeared. _She_ kissed _him_ despite the fact she had "boyfriend". The only positive thing that brought her some relief was that Jim hadn't hired a room there, because of an emergency of the police station, so they were alone just like not so far in the past in mill house.

Suddenly, she heard steps and her heart sank. She had no doubts, who it was and although she really wanted him not to find her, she knew he would. The frightening scenarios about what is he going to tell her filled her mind as she came to light and saw him.

He moved fast.

"I'm sorry, John, I didn't mean to... "

But he cut her off with pressing his lips to hers so hungrily she had to catch her breath. His hands travelled down an up her back, spreading waves of warm through her body as he pressed her on him and hold her tight in his embrace. She felt guilty first, she wanted to push him away, but when he entrance her mouth with his tongue, she was lost in his hunger and lust for her and let her feelings got to the surface.

She pressed herself closer. Her fingers played with his messed hair and she loved how soft but intractable they were. Their kiss became even more passionate as he grabbed her ass and pressed her body right on a special part of his and she can't fight against a slight moan that escaped her mouth.

Oh, how he loved that sound she made.

He kissed her jaw, her throat, her ear and she was a lost bound of nerves in his embrace. He wanted her even more as she seemed to absolutely relax in his arms and gave herself to his command without doubts.

Bloody hell, he wanted her so badly.

"John," she moaned louder this time and he couldn't help but kissed that spot again just to see the look of delight on her face. Her lips swollen from his lustful kisses, her eyes slightly closed from the feeling he made her feel.

How could he avoid from kissing him for so long?

He sucked her neck once more, so hard, he was sure it would leave a mark, when suddenly, her hands that had rubber his back stopped and moved on his shoulders to get him away from her.

He didn't fight as he was absolutely confused about what is happening, but he didn't let her go of his arms absolutely.

"This is not right," she spoke up quietly and that was when the realisation hit him with full force

He could be a jerk sometimes, but he wasn't man like that. Not when it was about Zed, not when her boyfriend isn't one of that boys who change girls like socks (yea, exactly the type like he is... or maybe used to be). Jim Corrigan maybe wasn't man of his tastes but he was brave, good and he could grant her future full with love and certainty (well, so much you can expect it with living with police man). What he could offer?

Hell, demons and fear of death. Not if she looked like somebody who is easily scared. No, Zed was really braved and maybe it was that which made her in his eyes so amazing. Her bravery, her resolve to fight for innocence lives... It was simply Zed.

But once more he realised he didn't deserve somebody like who she was. He had just so much sins and bad memories and scars that wouldn't heal. Loving him could destroy her easily and that was the last thing on the Earth he wanted to experience. She will be happier with Jimmy boy. She has to be.

"I'm sorry," he repeated her own words from earlier and stepped away from her. "It was a mistake."

But before she managed to answer him, his mobile phone rang.

"Jim?" he asked and changed look with her. "Yeah, she's not within range right now, but I'll tell her as soon as I see her. Yes, fine, ok. See you there."

Just after he cancelled the call he started to walk straight to his room. Zed followed him immediately, because she had a feeling it is something that could help them to forget that awkward situation which could never ever happened again. And it was.

"They found s body. It seemed that the demon wasn't so careful this time."


	7. Awareness

**_Next part is here and I hope you will leave me some reviews! :) Enjoy reading!_**

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

They drove fast to the meeting point. Jim had already been waiting for them, as they stopped and got out of the car quickly. He waved to them, but hadn't even had time for saying hi as Constantine almost ran instead of walked towards the big doors in front of them all, encircled by police officers and police tap, so they barely could catch up with him.

"Hey, you can't go there," one older man tried to stop them and Zed didn't wonder. They didn't look like somebody who should have access to a crime scene. John was on the other hand hardly even worried. He seemed to be rather upset, as he not very politely took his magic card from his coat and show it quickly to the police officer.

"We are forensic specialists from CBI."

He looked at John's card quickly and then apologised, but Zed was the only one that managed to respond somehow as the two man continued in their way in the same speed.

"Where it is?" John asked as he suddenly stopped on the crossroad.

"In the first room," Jim answered and tried to look at Zed, which finaly chatch up with them, but she pretended not to be aware of his gaze and Constantine knew it was because of him. However, he thought it may wait a little, so he hurried to the room Jim pointed earlier. He didn't waste time on careful entrence and almost kicked the door to make them open.

The body was placed in the perfect middle in a really strange position. Somebody could tell it looked like some kind of strange accident, but when you lived in world of John Constantine, nothing was an accident.

He froze and Zed had to fight to settle her stomach because she wasn't prepared for that kind of look.

The dead body belonged to a woman with a long black hair and roses surrounded her in a perfect circle. But that wouldn't be much frightening if there wasn't one detail missing – she had been flayed. Her blood was on the roses, on the floor, everywhere. It looked like some kind of bloody hell and the only thought that crossed her mind was: Who for God's sake could do thing like this?

"It hadn't been identified yet," Jim said in a low voice and also seemed a little bit paler than outside.

"You don't have to," John answered quietly and they looked at him with surprise. "I know her. It's Mary Lucy Diane, one of the best exorcists on the world. I can't imagine what kind of demon she played with to made her look like this."

"Are you sure it was a demon?" Zed asked. Yes, it would be scary to know it was made by a human, but it also meant that they can handle this easily and they can let police to make its job. But if it really was a demon... What are they going to do next? How they can stop something like this?

He looked at her and she could find the answer in his face sooner than he actually nodded in agreement. "I'm pretty sure, love."

And his statement horrified her. This is what they should fight against to safe Chas? _Holly shit._

"How can you be so sure?" Jim asked, probably hoping for the same as she. Constantine didn't even looked up but walked towards stairs, which led them to a roof with big parts made from glass. They both were confused, but Constantine looked just calm and maybe a little bit scared, but Zed already knew he is very good in hiding it.

"Because," he started and thrown some unfamiliar powder in the air. She was just about to ask him what that supposed to mean, when suddenly some scary red light started to appear in the air and she gasped in shock. The light started to make words! Not only words, but whole sentences!

Only then her enthusiasm ended as quickly as she read some words she recognised. She had spent some time with the demonologist, so she learnt some. It wasn't enough to really understand, but it was enough to know approximately what is it about.

And this wasn't good at all.

"What is written there?" Jim asked, because he was the only one who couldn't understand even a word, much to his discomfort.

"It's a message for me," the blond answered after taking some time for thinking, which only made situation even more tense. "It is written in English, but in demon alphabet. To make things short, something like 'YOU are the reason why this had happened' but there is not written my name."

"So what make you think it is for you?" Jim asked, not really getting the point. Zed on the other hand stood there in silence as she already knew what to expect and also with a slight suspicion he kept some important information for himself. He just looked like that, oh, how good she knew what it felt like to be guilty!

She bit her lips in a waiting for bad news and she was sure they will come, because there was one word he hadn't mentioned yet. A word used for lovers or people you simply cared about. It all just seemed too scary to have any good in the meaning, so she was sure there was something bad linked to in other circumstances very positive words.

"There is a mention about where are we going to meet if we wanted to find Chas and his family alive," he told them then turned to the stairs again. After that statement they simply followed him, still quite in shock about how quick had the situation changed and how calm Constantine seemed to be.

"I'm going for my car. It's not far away, just a few blocks, but then I have to errand something, so we will meet in a few hours in the motel lobby, ok?" he suggested and because of anybody had anything against it, they simply nodded in agreement.

"Fine, so see you later," he waved them and disappeared behind the door.

John and Zed were alone once again but now on one of them wanted to bring the thing that happened sooner to a light. They both were afraid about Chas, each other but themselves, too. This was a really bad situation, although what scared her more was his look written in his face. Look of some kind of atonement.

Zed watched him while he gazed on the body that used to be a woman and probably a very beautiful one and heard his low whisper "Rest in peace" but it wasn't been his usual way of talking and she knew that although he never mentioned her name earlier, she meant something too him.

Then, even if she wasn't really planning to do that, she simply put a hand on his shoulder in a silent comforting gesture for him, to show him her empathy and support.

He gave her a sad smile, shook her hand away and started to walk to his car staying alone on the empty road in the light of evening sun. It all looked nice but felt strange like if it came from other world beside the disaster that hit their lives. She can't help herself but let some tears fall down her cheeks.

She felt miserable, not only for her personal confused life, but also for Chas and his family, because they were the last they deserved it.

Why is everything bad happening to good people? She didn't know but suddenly she felt and unbelievably strong hatred towards the demon, so she had to fight against an urge to hit something.

"It is going to be alright," she heard his voice trying to make her feel better and laugh in his horrible effort, but still was grateful that he tried to convinced her to something he didn't really believed, either, just to make her feel better.

"No, it's not, and you know it," she sighed, still not able to stop tears. "This is not a way how I imagine living right now. I wanted to..."

But then, her voice just trailed off and he didn't push her, because he knew she probably thought about the same thing as he.

It was his fault that this happened! He should have been there. He simply should. And if he didn't save him, he would never ever forgive himself. But although he realised now and was able to admit that his feelings toward her started to become dangerously strong, he couldn't let her know that, because he knew he had to pushed her away because the threat from a demon is never just empty words. He can't lose her too, so however it is going to be hard for him, he had to make her leave.

_You survived Gaz, you survived Astra, you will survive her leaving, too. _But to be honest, he didn't really know if he could reconcile with her departure. She had already become a person he really trust, a person he wasn't afraid that could betray him. She mean so much to jim, but he swore to himself, he better made her left than commit to get her hurt.

He already had a plan. Not very good one, sure, but it was a plan, in which Zed isn't going to play a role, so she is going to be save and that's all that matter.

He pressed his fingers strongly on the driving-wheel. He can't let that happened, he had no other choice than to protect her.

"Where are you going to meet the demon?" she asked suddenly and caught him unprepared as he was lost in his thoughts.

"What do you mean?" he answered trying to get some time to think. He didn't think that she would notice he didn't tell them. But it was Zed. He should have been counting on that. She was one of the most perceptive people he ever met.

She rolled her eyes. "Cut the crap. I know you long enough to know what you are planning in your mind. You are not going to go there alone."

Bloody hell, why is he still underestimated her? She sometimes can be a real problem to solve. Well, he knew she can guess when he is lying, if he doesn't attack her back – then she is too busy with that and doesn't notice.

He really hated himself for the answered that crossed his mind but he had to do that, if he wanted to piss her off enough to make her leave.

"That wasn't what was on my mind."

"Really? Then what was?" she asked, clearly annoyed by his lies.

"Well," he started, "I was just thinking about how had Jim threw a love glances at you. Do you think that he would still do that if he saw you pressing your body to me and kissing me?" He looked at her with daring eyes. But she... she looked much more hurt than he expected with tears glistening in her eyes and that also tore his heart more than he ever had like a possibility.

He bloody really cared about her.

"Sometimes you are really a jerk, Constantine," she answered and didn't even wait for him to completely stop as she opened the doors and ran away toward the motel. But as he watched her, he realised he is not able to do that. He couldn't lie to her anymore.

"Shit," he muttered and got out quickly.

He was maybe a fool, but he just couldn't bear the knowledge he made her feel bad. He just couldn't. So he ran faster than he ever run in his life because of a girl just to catch up with her before she will lock herself in her motel room. And she could bet, he is going to tell her everything, because she knew him better, than he should have allowed, because she is the only person he every feel something to. Something more than simply friendship and this was stronger than his and Anne-Marie feelings.

He probably bloody loved her, although it sounded crazy to him, but he had to explain her. He doubt he will come back again to tell her and he couldn't stand up hell if he knows, she would think he was a jerk and that she means nothing to him. Because that wasn't true and letting her know was the only thing he had to do before he is going to faith for Chas life even if it would means to give up on his own.

But one thing in his plan hadn't nevertheless change – he is going to go there alone, whether she likes it or not.


	8. Hope, promises and downfalls

**_Next part, enjoy! And please, let me know what you think about this part because I'm not sure I've written it well._**

* * *

Zed hurried to her room, afraid he could follow her. She was so weak she couldn't risk talking to him, because she would fall into pieces. He couldn't see her like that. Her eyes were full of tears so walking was harder than ever. The stairs felt suddenly incredibly long. She hated herself for feeling so hurt, but she couldn't help it. The betrayal hurt like hell.

She stopped and tried to catch her breath, sitting on the stairs and put her head in her hands. She didn't want anyone to see her cry, because they could start to ask about what happened and she didn't feel on responding.

Somebody touched her on her knee, but she sniffled and pulled away.

"Go away!" Zed muttered, but the hand didn't move. On the contrary, she felt the other hand tenderly rubbing her back.

"GO AWAY!" She repeated angrily and looked up to see his face. She didn't want him to touch her. She bloody wanted nothing but to be alone and the opportunity cry herself into sleep. "Or you want to touch me to have something else you can throw in my face whenever you like?"

"I..." he started, his eyes full with concern and his voice not so confident as always. But she didn't bloody want to listen to him; didn't he get it or what?

"Go away," she said suddenly very coldly, before she turned and go to her room, trying to slam her door before he get in, but she was so weak compared to him.

He pushed the door away, slammed them behind him and looked at her. And she was shaking, hugging her shoulders, feeling so lost and everything in her seemed to hurt. Her room was cold and so big suddenly, but too small for possibility she could escape him.

She knew, she was probably acting overreacted, but she didn't care. The guilt in her was just too much for her to bear. She couldn't believe he used _this _against her. She just couldn't. What did he think she is going to do after that? Or he wanted just to play with her as he played with all other girls? Was that, what she thought was real, just a distraction for him?

He grabbed her hand and held it firmly. She did everything to make him go away. She punched him in his chest, angrily, her heart tearing into pieces, her whole being shaking with desperation that took over absolutely and completely. Tears fell down and she much more wailed than cried.

"Let me fucking go!" she screamed, but he didn't and she tried so hard to forced him to stop holding her. She bit, she scratched, she fought in hopelessness and then, when all of her powers where wasted, he simply hugged her and hold her tight. And Zed cried, cried so hard and so long until she had no more tears to drain and he still repeated in his low comforting voice.

"I'm so sorry, love."

"I can't do this anymore," she said, her voice still little bit trembling as she hadn't completely succeeded in calming herself yet. It was just enough to get over the angst, despair and hurt in her. But it didn't helped much as all of it became replaced by unbearable emptiness right during the next moment.

"I know," he whispered back, their faces just centimetres far.

She finally found enough of bravery to look up to his eyes. The heat radiated from him and her hands were on his chest, which slowly went up and down in his deep breaths. He gazed her with his amazing dark eyes and she felt heart skipped a beat.

They were standing there, alone in the room, after the most dramatic scene this motel had ever seen (probably), looking at each others' eyes, breathing deeply as their hearts pounded heavily in their bodies.

The time seemed to stop.

She was lost in his eyes and couldn't stop looking and them. They were filled with lust and much more, but all of it were just so honest emotions...

She knew. She knew what he wanted to say. But then, she remembered about how hard she hit him and the magic moment passed by. Zed blushed in awkwardness and fear that she may hurt him seriously, so she eyed him suspiciously.

"Oh my God," she breathed frightened, "I made this?" But didn't really need and answer as she remembered how she clenched her nails into his skin. She turned quickly to the bathroom. "I must treat it. Wait a moment, I just-"

"Let it be," he stopped her as he pulled her onto him once again. "I had even worse." Then he sat with her in his embrace on the bed.

She thought about trying to slip away first, but she was so tired of playing she didn't like it, so they just stay like that for a while. Then Constantine started to talk and she listened to his words in disbelieve, because she didn't think she will ever hear Constantine saying words like this.

The Constantine she knew earlier wouldn't, she was sure, so there was just only one other possibility – he let her see his real-self. Again.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't say that. But... you are not safe with me. You have to go away and never return," he declared and she straightened, her eyes suddenly as hard as steel.

"No, you're not going there alone," she protested, but he just looked at her.

"I couldn't survive you getting hurt or die," he said calmly. "I can't fight to protect his life, if all my being just wants to make you save. Chas deserves better." After that he though a moment before he added: "It's enough that Chas is away and God knows where. I thought that if I say that, you will leave me and I wouldn't have to convince you about staying there, but I just," he paused again and ran his fingers through his hair probably in despair of not knowing how to express what he felt, "I just couldn't bear the fact you will go away and hate me."

But when he felt her hand on his cheek it was his turn to be surprised.

He looked at her and found warm in her eyes that made him feel... light, like if he could soar up into the air and fly away in every moment.

"I could never hate you, John," she answered quietly, searching in his eyes for any signs of lies. But he was honest, she could feel it. He was relieved and honest.

"Although sometimes I really wanted to hate you," she smile and he laugh, but it wasn't that cynical laugh he usually used. This was the kind of laugh that came from the heart and it filled her with happiness, energy and... Yes, with love.

"I have to tell you more. Bloody hell, I want to tell you so many things!" he cursed but she was the one that calmed him this time.

_It seemed as we both are each other's sheet-anchor. _

"It's okay," she said, "really."

"No, it's not," Constantine disagree and then, after so long gaze she felt her expectation growing, he slowly leaned towards her.

This kiss wasn't as lustful and overwhelming like the other one. However, it still made her feel tensed but in the most pleasant way. Waves of warm went through her as he got him above her body and joined their hands above her head.

She kissed him back, without any doubts, but still... She felt guilty because of Jim. He didn't deserve this. But Constantine, as he probably get the same feeling from her, stopped, pulled away and looked at her with gaze that looked like if he wanted to map her whole body as if he intended to memorized it perfectly.

A shiver ran down her spine, not only because she can felt what kind of emotions his gaze awaked in her but also because she realized it looked like if he was saying goodbye to her.

"I just have to do this once again," he said simply and she couldn't help but noticed sadness in his eyes. "I wanted to do so many things, but this has to be enough. Say hello to Corrigan and tell him I'm sorry. I'm sorry Zed."

And that was the only words she heard, before she felt his hand pressing specific spot on her neck, which, she knew, is going to bring her into something like a sleep and anger started to swirl inside her, but it was too late. She couldn't fight against the tempting darkness that started to surrounded her.

"I promise you, I will do my best to protect you all."

And the last thing she manage to do, before her world blacked out, was reaching out her hand towards him, stroke his cheek and told him a soft, barely more than breathed: "John..."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

He couldn't imagine he had really done that. He fell in love.

Maybe it wasn't so bad to die if he died like a man in love, was it?

He really never thought about himself as some kind of hero. He was just a man with crappy childhood and even worse life. But Zed... made him see himself in different way. Zed changed it. So if his death is going to mean she is saved, he had nothing more to wish, especially, if it also saved Chas and his family.

He was prepared to die.

But didn't misunderstand him! Fact he was prepared to die didn't mean he is going to go there without any weapons and give up on his life without fighting. Bloody hell, no, he would fight to be alive, because he finally understood why everybody buzzed so much when love was involved. That he was prepared to die mean, that if he died now, he would die as a happy man. And if his soul is going to go to hell, he didn't care, because he saved her, and that was enough.

He knew she is going to be angry when she woke up, but only hoped that one day, she will undestood and she will be happy with Corrigan and that's all that mattered. He was the right one for her, not him. And their kiss would be their secret he took to his grave.

It was his first kiss like that 'not just a kiss, but kiss from love'-style and that kiss shouldmn't bring her to her knees, but that kind should make her feel loved. He never kissed anyone other like that so he wasn't sure if she liked it and if she got what he meat to say with it, but, dammit, he did like it. He could kissed her like that for hours and never had enough!

He remembered the softness, the warm and safety that he felt when she was in his arms. He was still a broken man, but with her, he felt like maybe one day he could be healed. And that hope was more than most people ever give him.

He entranced the old factory quite far away from their motel, but it was the place demon chose and he wasn't in position to make conditions. It was really old. Dust covered everything, including the old machines, and from windows reminded only frames. The place was silent, but he felt calm, thinking about Zed was helping him.

With a thought about Zed and an imagination of her smile on his mind, he opened an old door to a big hall and stood there a few moments but nothing happened.

"I'm here alone. Show yourself!" he shouted finally, when he started to be bored by waiting.

"I was looking forward to this moment my whole life in hell, I was excited when I was told to kill you," a strange voice said, but he couldn't find out what direction it was coming because of the way how the hall was built.

_So that's the reason why it chose this place._

"So stop hiding and tried to get me!"

But the only answer he got was a laugh.

"You think that after everything you've done to me and my sisters and my brothers I'm going to make this easy for you?" And then it was laughing again and its devilish laugh comes from everywhere, bouncing off the walls.

"I've told you already that I will make you pay. Pay with lives of everyone you care about, everyone you loved or sympathized with is going to be dead because of you. And when you killed yourself because of the guilt, I will welcome your soul in hell."

"So you killed her only to get me in here?!" he yelled, but the laugh that answered him once more was enough for him as an anser this time.

"Not only because of that," the demon said and suddenly a small figure appeared in front of him, but the only thing he could see was a pair of demon eyes, lightning from the darkness under the hood of its surcoat, which covered it. "I wanted to look at your face when I extinguished the first live of one from your friends."

And with those words, before he could do anything, the figure soared up in the air and instead of goodbye it declared: "You can save only one. Choose carefully." And it was away, but Constantine didn't have time to notice it, because in the moment the demon disappeared, two bodies appeared on the place it stood earlier.

He hurried there and he had to calmed himself to prevented rising panic in his soul as he recognized the jacket on one of them.

_Think about Zed._

When he finally got there, he had no left doubts. "Chas!"he shouted and can't understand how is possible that after only a few days, his friend is changed to somebody absolutely different.

Then, the one who used to be big man, but now looked even smaller than Joh himself, coughed and hoarsely said: "Save Reneé."

"But-"

"Saved her... or I wil never... forgive you!"

Although John would prefer to take care of his closest mate instead of a woman that hates him (though it was quite authorized), he decided he had no other choice. He moved to the second body and he recognized Reneé under all the dried blood and dirt and tiredness almost immideately. She wasn't in so bad state as Chas and John felt sure she is going to survived.

_Maybe the demon sympathized with her as she hates me probably not much less than hell. _

But he knew Chas was right. He had to save his wife and his unborn child first, because he would want it too, if he had a family.

Without admitting himself words from demon, which tried to get to him, he got his phone from his pocket and called an ambulance as calm as he could in that situation be.

"Yes, two people. I don't know, just hurry damn it!" he shouted in the end at the woman that picked up. Somebody who was closest to be called his family, he never had, was dying there in front of his eyes and they were curious about if there is near something he could use to help them?

Shouldn't they think that if it was there, he would already use it?

He shook his head in disbelieve as he got down on his knees to them and hold their hands, or pressed his hand on every big wound he find to stop them from bleeding out before the aid will arrive.

"John..."

"No, Chas," he stopped his attemt to speak, as he press his hand, covered with blood, more to the big slash on Chas' left side. "Don't say anything. You are going to be alright. You couldn't die, right?" He said, but he wasn't sure at all. What if that demon made sure to leave Chas just one from all of his lives?

He couldn't choose between the love of his best friend and his best friend, because he would prefer to save him, of course, but he was also sure Chas would hate him to the end of their lives, if he did that.

But Chas didn't listened and tried it again. Although it was clear every breath caused him unbelievable pain. "Zed... Does she... your feelings...?"

And he shouldn't even finished his sentence as Constantine, cover with blood of both of them now, knew exactly what the deceitful fox wanted to say.

Of course, Chas noticed once again much sooner than he. He probably knew it from the very start that John felt something towards her.

"Yeah, I bloody love her, if that's what you're going to ask," he sighed as Chas smiled and then smiled back, but with much less enthusiasm than Chas, as he was afraid there is no much time left for his best friend.

"Promised me," brunette started and then his face twisted in pain, "promised me... you will... take care... of... them... ok?"

"You will take care of them yourself, mate. I'm sure as hell that if I tried to babysitt your child Renée is going to kill me," he answered and his ears caught a quiet sound of sirens, which grew louder with every second. "You won't die."

But Chas just smiled a small smile and Constantine felt how his friend's heart started to beat more slowly and his body relaxed.

Panic started to spread though him as a flood.

"No, no, no, NO! Stay with me, stay with me, bloody hell!" he shouted and tried to make him look at him, but he didn't respond. He heard Renée's soft cry, the sounds of rescuers coming towards them, but he couldn't think straight. He was like in a mist and the only thing he saw clearly was how they got his friend into the car and started a process of bringing him to live again snd the steady bleep of the heart monitors.

Everything else was forgotten.


	9. Resolve

**Hi, guys! I'm so sorry for taking so long before I add this chapter, but I was busy lately - camps, friend, holidays... Ok, that's enough of talking. What to say to this chapter? Hm, I was trying to write it without any mistakes, but it's possible I've overlooked some. If that's the case, don't hesitate and let me know. I would also love if you gave me some reviews, because, I'm really interested in what you are thiking about this story. It is good? Is it bad? Why or why not? Thank you.**

**Btw, have you also noticed there is kind of dead silnece about these two recently? Let's change it guys! I promise, I'm going to try harder, but I can't do that alone ;) So try it please as well!**

**P.S.: Have you heard about Constantine having a chance on Arrow (or some other TV station - I'm not sure about the name)? Not sure if that's just a gossip or true, so if you know something about it, let me know, too! **

**Finally, enjoy reading!**

Zed woke up suddenly and realized what had happened very quickly. She didn't wasted time on changing clothes and cursed quietly as she looked out from the window and noticed it was already getting dark.

How long she could lie there, while John was somewhere out maybe needing her help?

She got up quickly and started to put on her boot, when she heard a knock on the door. Her heart skipped a beat in fear, hope and cautious. She made her way towards the door slowly, really hoping there would be a blond behind them, but not really believing her inner wish.

Then, she heard his voice and stopped.

"Zed! I know you're in there! Just open the door please!"

She was thinking about trying to pretend she's out, but changed her mind right after that thought – she was no coward and he deserved to know the truth. There was no time for avoiding him. Right now she had to find Constantine, hopefully unharmed, with Chas and René, all of them alive.

She opened the door and looked up, just to tell him what all had happened – starting with Constantine's plan, deciding that for breaking up with him is not the best moment at all. But she will tell him, just after all this stuff is going to be solved.

"They found Chas," he blurted before she even had a time to start a sentence.

Her body froze and her plans flew away. "What?"

But he was already on his way towards his car, more like running than really walking. She had no other choice than to follow him. Even faster than before, if that was even possible, she picked up keys and purse, closed the door of her rooms and hurried to catch up with him. He looked nervous, that was what she noticed first. Little bit uncomfortable too. Maybe he had a suspicion or something?

Guilt starter to spread in her mind, but she stopped it with a slight blush. _Not the right time, girl. Think about Chas. _

While Jim was doing something on the top of the car, she fastened her seat belt and her mind started to be occupied by not very pleasant thoughts. Her heart was beating faster as her lungs were contracted with anxiety.

Then a familiar sound brought her from her thought and she gave Jim a surprised look.

"We want to be there quickly, right?" he answered, maybe a little bit offended, as he got up, turned on the siren and made his way on the road. His direction was easy to guess, even though she wasn't sure where and in what conditions the married couple was found: hospital.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

John Constantine was sitting on the chair and felt cold, although the thermometer showed 25 degrees. The room smelled terribly – just the way he hated the most – like disinfection. Walls were painted in soft shade of orange, but still felt sterile without any pictures and any furniture around.

He felt uneasy, but it could be either way because he hated hospitals, or because opposite the room there was his closest mate connected to a lot of different machines making scary sounds, lying resignedly without any other sing of life than his regularly falling and rising chest.

"Let us in!" he heard muffled familiar voice, getting stronger with each sentence of foreign female voice.

"Are you family?"

"No, but-" the same voice answered and he couldn't help but smiled slightly. She was so sweetly innocent inside of her. He saw it every time she was too emotional for thinking about her facade. For thinking about her dark past, she wasn't willing to talk about. But one day, she will. He was sure, because past is always catching up with you, although he would prefer it not to be true for her sake, it was.

He let out a short laugh and shook his head. She was sometimes so easy to read, but sometimes she was like a book in Chinese to him.

"But we are from police. The man behind the door is part of investigation and we wouldn't be happy in something happen to him. Am I clear?"

His smile froze as he heard the other familiar voice. But he should be expecting that. Of course Zed would come with Jimmy boy. How other way could she learn Chas was there? He called only him. He also didn't expect her to wake up so early, but once again, it was Zed.

John heard steps but didn't have enough time to prepare for what was going to happen. The door silently opened and his two friends... or colleagues, better to say, stepped inside. He felt her furious look on top of his head, but right now, there was no time or mood for things like that. Although there wasn't much he could do besides starring into empty wall or on motionless body of Chas.

"What happened?" Corrigan asked and used a free chair right next to him. Zed on the other hand decided for a lax leaning against the wall, from where he could felt her intense gaze. He swallowed at the thought of what all he had to explain, but it can wait. Right now he... no, they have to stand up to a bloody demon who wanted nothing but souls of his friends and his own desperation.

"I met with... the demon. It told me it wants my friends' lives. It disappeared as soon as it declares I can save only one of them."

He looked at her. Zed caught his gaze and bit her lip. It sounds like a threat, the dangerous one, but she was sure he wasn't telling them everything. There was something in the way he sit or the way he talk... She wasn't sure. Maybe she just saw something that wasn't there. He had already told her, that he's going to tell her the truth, right? That he wants to do that – willingly. So why she had that feeling he is not absolutely honest with them?

Only one of them... These words were worse than she expected. There was something... dark in it. But it wasn't anything they can solve. These words weren't so bad because of their meaning themselves, they were wrong because of how made them feel. One of them will die, whether they like it or not. It was like if a knife hanging above their heads. It was the worst threat of all kinds because they will do everything to prevent it to happen, but at the same time they don't believe it won't happen which brought thought about what is it going to be - the only one who will survive? René? Chas? Or their yet unborn baby?

And they can do nothing, but to wait in silence, unable to prevent dark thoughts to steal into their minds, filling them with hopelessness, waiting for the prediction of demon to come true.

She was not willing to stay there like that. She had enough of being scared, of being beaten. She had enough of worries if they come back alive and in the same amount in which they had left. A fire of anger started to smoulder inside of her.

"Stop it," Zed said, looking at both men sitting across the room. They looked so lost and sad as if it had already happened. She knew that look of reconciliation with their destiny too well and it brought her memories of a sleepless nights and fears back. But she can't just sit there and watch with the imagination of demon outsmarting them, laughing in the shadows, waiting for another opportunity when to strike. She had enough of waiting. It was time to take the fate into their own hands.

"Stop what?" he asked with illegible expression on his unshaved face, one of his eyebrows lifted as if he was saying: What do you want? There is nothing we can do!

She didn't like seeing him like this. She didn't like what this demon had done to them. Maybe it wasn't only the demons credit, the fact they were failing.

"Stop watching us all and behaving like if you already lost and we were dead. I'm still here and I'm going nowhere. So get a grip, Constantine. "

"But..., " he started. The power hidden in her eyes stopped the words coming from his mouth.

"No more lies, John, no more attempts to protect us. We both know what it means and we count with that. If there is anybody who doesn't want to be here, then it's your last choice to left." She said, looking almost only at Jim, who returned her glaze with the same resolved as mirrored in her eyes.

"Nobody? Fine," Zed declared. "That means no more secret, John. You're not there alone and we are going to beat the demon." He shot an unsure glance at her. "At least we have to try" she reacted.

"Now get up." Surprised looks appeared on the men' faces, as she ordered, none of them ever having an opportunity to experience this side of Zed. John had to admit, however, that it was kind of sexy. She was sexy, as she stood there, hands on her hips, her gaze challenging. "Don't stare at me like that! I'm not sitting there, not even trying to stop what is happening. I'm not going to let you be damn to a demon," John shuddered at that mention, sure it was addressed to him only, "I'm not going to die. I'm not going to give up and wait for the demon to come. Right now we are only figurines in his game. It's time to change the rules."

"Yeah, she's right," Jim agreed, while Constantine hadn't said a word. Plus the fact he wasn't moving at all made her froze in fear. They were nothing without him. They can't stand up to the demon if not with him. Not only they don't know demons' language but they also had no idea how these thing works. She knew him a few already some weeks, sure, but... That was nothing in comparison to his knowledge. He can't... He can't let this to break him completely. Alone, they were nothing, they had no chance.

But one look into his eyes was enough for her to know he felt the fire spreading too and, oh, she almost forget how his dark eyes shimmering with crazy ideas and self-confidence made her felt.

"It's not going to be easy, love," he warned her, a little bit overlooking Corrigan already standing by her side. But she had a hard time to acknowledge his presence too, as she was completely lost in his eyes.

Without breaking their eye contact, she offered him her hand waiting for him to take it. "Was it ever easy?"

He smirked at her answer as her resolved being contagious and let her help him on his feet. His legs felt like if they were made from iron as he didn't move from one position very long time and his eyes wanted nothing more but to close and sleep, but that was not possible.

He had a job to do first.

And just like that, feeling little bit more courageously than when their came in, they left the room with beeping monitors behind their back. Worries still swirling around them like a storm but like that – with Zed by his side and Corrigan having his back, he felt like he had a hope for winning. He felt strong.

"Let's kick its ass," he declared as he grinned, making Zed to roll her eyes in disbelieve. But she can't really fight an urge to let the corners of her lips lift a little bit as she realized she felt... confident and calm, ready to whatever is awaiting for them. And little bit grateful for his comment to, because it made her feel save and she had to admit that everything was better than his broken-self. Even his dubious jokes.

They get outside of the hospital, getting inside Corrigan's car. Jim drove as John on the seat next to instructed him where to turn out, while he was telling them current plan. And as she was looking at him, she realized another interesting thing: She won't mind dying by his side. She won't mind dying for the thing he believed in. She won't mind getting her soul lost if it meant he would be happy and save. She wasn't sure if she would be still alive after a few net hours, or if she would be okay. She thought about all the things she wanted to experience but had no opportunity yet. She wanted to travel around the world, tried a bungee jumping, set a family maybe... But she didn't care anymore.

The only thing she would mind is allowing him to break, letting them to lose without even trying.

And she'll make sure that that never ever happen. They will fight and they will win, because they have to.


	10. The bait

**-As I've promised earlier, I'm trying to bring it here a little bit back to life! So here is another chapter and I would love if you let me know what do you think about it. Enjoy reading and I'm looking forward to your reviews! Camelia-**

"I don't like it," Zed said, establishing her arms over her chest. They were sitting on an empty parking lot, disguising his plan. And hell it was a bad plan! "No way," she continued, dead in her eyes. "I'm not going to let you be the bait."

"I agree with her," Jim said slowly, thinking about it from all possible angles, "You're too important for putting you in risk."

"Oh, I'm touched," Constantine answered, little bit sarcastically, as Zed knew that anger is starting to build inside of him. "But that's not going to solve our problem."

"Fine," Zed stood up again, casting her hands. She knew that soon Constantine would do something stupid if she hadn't done something to shock him (of better to say, even stupider than what he could possibly expected). He had just that impatient look on his face she knew so well by now. Plus the fact he was angry and Corrigan seemed to be absolutely cool... she had no false expectations about what would happen soon in the future. And right now, she wasn't in mood for calming arguing men down, which meant she had to proceed. "I volunteer."

A quick "What?" come from both side at the same time. Jim and John changed glances, but then they both looked at her. In both eyes she saw a lot of emotions, but wasn't sure what they meant.

"No, you're not," Constantine rejected her idea without doubts, letting his eyes fall back to asphalt, where he had drawn a plan of some building she didn't know with a white chalk. "Ok, we are doing it this way. I'm..."

"Why not?" Zed asked, his comment making her angry. He was _always _like that – whatever she suggested, he brushed it off table without even considering it. But it wasn't that case all the time, as she remembered a few first cases with him. That time he was willing to make bait from her. Something had to change recently and she wasn't sure if she was happy about it. "It's the best way how to make the demon move and..."

"No," he cut her speech, looking at her with very serious eyes. "You're not going to be the bait. I'm not allowing you to do that."

"And you are who? My mother?" she replied, caustically. Then changed her voice again into something that sounded little bit as a plea: "It's our best chance!"

"No," he repeated stubbornly, not letting her eyes go from his serious gaze.

"Still hasn't told me why," she answered as serious as he. Staring into each other's eyes seemed endless when suddenly, Constantine looked away. He looked... almost uncomfortable. As if he didn't want to answer her question.

And it was it when realization hit her. She meant something to him. Something so strong he didn't want to risk losing her.

She bit her lip as she also realized why he wasn't willing to answer her. Everything was about Jim – it was bad, she knew. But she couldn't tell him now and he knew that too. They needed him and couldn't afford risking he would say he's not going to help them. After all, it had never been his fight and without Zed... Who knew if he was still here with them?

She couldn't let him know she had no more romantic feelings for him. Not know, not before Chas, René and all of them are safe – at least as much as a demon hunter could possibly be.

"Ok, so... We don't have much option with the few we know."

"And we know what exactly?" Jim asked. "Maybe if you tell us everything, it would be easier to come with some... ideas."

Zed wasn't saying anything, but it was clear to him that at this, she wasn't on his side.

"Ok, fine," he reluctantly started, having no real choice. "So... We know that this demon want my soul, but not only that. It wants to make me suffer first. It promised me to attack all people I care about so nobody will be left to stay by my side."

No questions came from anybody as Zed and Jim sat in silence, listening to him with worries and not really sure how to respond at what he was saying.

"Somehow it managed to kill my old acquaintance without even sweating, and she was one of the best. Then it left me note where to meet, just to give me a choice in which life will I save. So what do you, smart heads, concluded?"

"What she meant for you?" Zed asked, clearly something on her mind, but not willing to say it aloud, no until she will be sure it's possible, not just some of her prediction.

The blond looked little bit uneasy. "She was-"

"And _truth,_ John_._"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, as he answered: "She used to be something like my older sister since I was twelve to, sixteen, approximately."

Zed couldn't suppress surprise. "Wait, I think it was Anne-Marie who showed you this kind of world."

"It was," he agreed. "I had no idea about it when I left her. She met me a few years later in a town with strange murders, which all happened at sleep, asking me what I was doing there. When I told her about my job, she cursed and told me she didn't want me to know because she was afraid I would find some of the 'magic' tempting."

"And you did, right?"

John Constantine grinned his usual way before he answered: "I'm no saint. I think you've already got it, love."

She didn't bother with answering. Instead, she started to think aloud. "So, we have a demon which isn't like others – this one wants you to suffer. But why? Why to risk so much just to make you desperate?"

Jim seemed to get where she was pointing as a fire of understanding spread in his eyes. "Love?"

"We're talking about demon," Zed smiled slightly at his crazy idea. But maybe it wasn't as impassible as it sounded. Like he said – he was no saint and, she had to admit, he was sexy. At least, she would find him attractive even if she was a demon. But on the other hand – what demon would be able to love enough to don't kill him for his moods? "No, but hate may be."

Constantine looked from one to one other and then he said: "You two think that it is some demon I pissed off?"

She shot him a cold glance as he started to laugh. "It's really likely, if we include your ability to piss everyone off. "

"Even if you were right, it's not going to make things easier. I've killed hundreds of demons by now."

"There's also a point in that," Corrigan grunted in not very happy reaction. A lot of demons would have a motif to killed Constantine. Sometimes he wonder how it's even possible he is still walking on this planet, if you add all "normal people" he probably made angry in his life.

"No, there have to be something we missed," Zed murmured, not sure if she was talking to herself or to them. "It smack with emotions. It could make you suffer with torturing you physically. Why to choose this way? Flayed a woman body... It's not some kind of easy killing. Why? If it wants to torture you psychically... why to choose it this hard way? It could simple killed her with a knife of something like that. It have to be clear even to a demon that flaying her and making her a grave from red roses is going to catch media' attention and more attention means more people to know about it, which made the possibility of attracting demon hunters higher? It all seemed like if it was overwhelmed by emotions."

"True," Corrigan stepped into her monologue. "If it would be a normal murder – like, from a human, you know? We would certainly think it was committed by somebody with a strong emotional connection to the victim."

"Whoa, timeout for a moment, Sherlock and Watson," Constantine attempted to stop them. "Let's just say for a moment that you two are right. So we have a demon which wants a revenge for something I have done to it and to 'all of his brothers and sisters' as it said to me. But that doesn't solve anything once again. We still don't have anything to bounce at."

"Maybe we did," Zed said looking from one to the other and vice versa. "If it was so stupid action, the demon had to come to a conclusion it worth the risk. So it had to be some important message for you."

"It was," Constantine reacted, frowning. "It was the first warning of what it's going to do. It let me the letter on roof of that building. The bloody-shining words, remember?"

Zed tried to ignore his grumpy attitude, instead she said, not sure if she was trying to convince herself or them. "There has to be a lead. Something we could use."

"There is none!" He snapped suddenly not able to control all the emotions in him, but then realized what he had just done and continued in a calmer voice. This lose-lose situation wasn't their mistake, in the end. "I don't like it, but there is no other choice than to try to provoke it, so that it would make a mistake."

Zed sighed, knowing he was right. They have too little information to try to come up with some kind of real plan. But if Constantine would be trapped, they wouldn't have any possibilities how to end this. Plus, she was sure the demon wasn't willing to kill him. It would not come if he was the bait. It wanted to break him, to make him killed himself... He didn't tell them, but she knew him long enough to know that even though he tried look like he don't care about people around him dying, he actually did. And it was his most vulnerable spot.

"I have to be the bait, then," she said once again getting strict no as an answer. She laugh but more in desperation than actually being happy. "Believe me, I don't like that more than you, but if it had to be somebody to whom you have strong feeling and you have to choose between me and Jim, I think it's kind of easy, don't you think?"

He took a deep breath to say something, but she knew he knew she was right. If the demon wanted to kill people he cared about, then it shouldn't be able to resist the tempting of killing the person he loved.

On the other hand, he absolutely hated the idea of putting her in so serious danger just to save himself. He would not probably be able to move on if she would be gone. But right now it was the only thing they could do besides waiting who would be next target.

"Ok, fine, have it your way," he sighed, feeling heavy rock settle on his heart. She smiled sadly, knowing exactly what was on his mind, and tried to give him at least some courage and calmness, but it wasn't helping at all.

He had a feeling this is going to end badly.


End file.
